What we've been up to!

It's been awhile! I haven't been overly busy, but just get wrapped up in the everyday life type of things that I forget to sit down and write, or take a shower, or call friends. But seriously, my life consists of trying to get sleep whenever I can, taking Lily to and from school, entertaining a FOUR MONTH OLD (!!!) and providing nutritious meals for the family. That about sums up my day with a spattering of cleaning and sometimes hanging out with my mom and sister.
I am soaking up time with Evelyn because I now feel like she is getting too big, too fast. Fours months have already flown by and she wants to be a big girl more and more everyday. She wants to sit up and see the world and works hard on trying to do so. The bumbo has come in handy for that but she also likes to practice in the boppy.

The girl is teething something fierce. She will chew on anything but has a particular fondness for blankets and my knuckle ;-) I can still see two bottom teeth but have yet to really feel them. Should be any day now since she was up every 2 hours last night comfort nursing. 

Four months old and she can hold her head up high on her belly and loves to look around the room this way. She can roll from tummy to back and is working on back to belly. She can scoot herself around on her belly and back with her strong legs! She doesn't take great naps but that's more from having to work around Lily's schedule. If we didn't have anywhere to go I think she would nap much better.

She's already shown interest in food and drinks. Anytime I drink water she watched very intently. I offered her a glass of water (for fun!) and she actually tried to get some. I think we'll start solids in a few weeks, again just for fun, as she's shown so much interest in it. 

She squeals and is starting to try and laugh. She loves when daddy sings the ABC's and is getting more comfortable with bath time, especially now that she can kick and stretch her legs out. She loves to stand up and smiles hugely every time. She still sucks her right thumb and loves to be worn - we baby wear every day! She is the most happy and graces us with her huge-open-mouth smiles right when she wakes up. 

I think the next few months will be so much fun! I can't wait to see her personality start to emerge more and more everyday. 

Lily has been great. She didn't even blink an eye when she lost her first tooth by falling at the playground (heart stopping for mommy!) She just finished preschool level 2 swimming and ballet. I have to sit down and try to figure out what summer courses we can do through parks and rec so we're not just twiddling our thumbs all summer long! 

Lily is really into pretending play and is becoming better at entertaining herself as long as she's in "the right mood." She is actually sleeping really well (!!! knock on wood!) She's still a crazy early riser but now gets up and uses the potty and plays until we get up. She tries to be quiet but doesn't always succeed ;-) She still takes a 1-2hr nap after school everyday. 

She loves being a big sister and often entertains her sister when asked. She copies us with a "baby voice" and says cute things like "aren't you so big up there!?" and "Who's the cutest baby here!?" It is one of the cutest things EVER! 

As a family, we've been trying to get out and have fun together. We're excited for summer and the beach! Overall things have been better here and I feel like we're getting more comfortable as a family of four and getting into the swing of things more and more everyday. It was a tough transition but we're making it! 

THE Update

I have a feeling I will hold onto this post. I will write it, and erase it, and edit it and think really hard about not publishing it. But in the end, I know I will. I am nothing if not honest about myself and my journeys.

Today I got up and baked muffins. And I straightened my hair and put on my make up very carefully. Because today I am going to talk to my doctor about postpartum depression. I want to look like I've got it together at least 50% of the time. You know, enough to care about how I look...most of the time.

And I'm scared. And nervous. And worst of all, I'm embarrassed. And I'm embarrassed for feeling embarrassed. I am a huge advocate in self help, self awareness, and speaking about depression and self harm and mental disorders. But now that it has touched my adult life I am plain embarrassed. Not because I may have PPD, but because I let it go on for weeks. Because I kept talking to people, almost hinting that things aren't right but we all came up with excuses and reasons why I'm acting the way I am (stress, lack of sleep, transition time, hormones.) And it's true, I am dealing with all of that, but it does not excuse my anger and my outbursts.
And I'm embarrassed that I waited so long to really reach out. Maybe it was because my mom was sick and when she got better, she was the one I called, the voice I needed to hear to tell me that yes, perhaps you should seek help or at least get the Dr's opinion. I needed someone to tell me that it was okay to do that. I knew I needed to. I just needed that little nudge.

I have now been on medication, a low dose of an anti depressant, for over a week and I am so happy and relieved to say that I feel so much like my old self that I could weep. I no longer have outbursts. I am not that nasty tornado. I am the mother that I try my hardest to be. I can look at my daughters and feel pride and joy and love. I feel positive and just...better. I'm not saying this is the end of PPD, if anything, this is the beginning of my road, but it feels good to acknowledge it, to treat it, and to be better.

As always, more updates to come ;-)

Strength and Patience

I am entering a new phase of my Project Positive. Let's dub this one "Postpartum Project Positive." Kind of like this old post from 2012, I try my very best to always be positive, it's in my nature to be optimistic. But let's be brutally honest here: lately I have not been very positive. I have been grumpy, moody, so very negative and just plain mean. I'm yelling, and crying and stomping around the house. I stopped one day and realized I am like a freaking tornado. Tornado's are not caring, fun mommy's. No they are destructive and scary and unpredictable.

I don't want to be a tornado anymore.

Lately I have been saying a daily prayer for "strength and patience." When Evelyn is non stop screaming in the car, or Lily is bumping into everything in the house, or being particularly nasty to me, or Dennis is still sleeping at 7am when I've been up for an hour and all night, I take a deep breath and repeat "strength and patience. Please, grant me strength and patience."

But this is no longer enough.

I now need to take this matter into my own hands. I need to take care of myself. I need to blast that negativity out of my life. I feel toxic and dark. I will give myself a small break and say that this is caused by a long, cold, dark winter + postpartum hormones + transitioning to being mommy of 2, etc, etc. But these excuses can no longer take over my life and give me the "oh well" mentality that I've been living the last few weeks.

So what do I plan on doing?
First off. I am exercising. 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there, a couple of squats while watching Mickey Mouse, a little bit of yoga while the kids nap. The endorphins alone will boost my positivity and the results will help my overall happiness. Yesterday was my first go at turning a scary negative emotion into a positive relaxing one. (Long story shot, Evie screamed the entire way home. My nerves were shot. My "no yelling" rule was broken. My day seemed ruined. I put the kids to bed for a nap and I took 30 minutes to myself to do a very relaxing yoga routine.) And Guess what? It worked. I was back on track. I finished my day feeling like I accomplished something, not that I just made it through another day.

Secondly, I am eating better. This is another thing I strive to do anyways. And I don't really eat really badly - but now that spring is approaching, I want and NEED to eat more fresh fruit and veggies and more vegetarian dishes. Plus, cooking healthy makes everyone feel better and trying new recipes makes me feel, again, accomplished.

---Time Out---
Total Honesty in this post. During the writing process of this post, I lost it. I turned into a tornado again. I could list excuses of why I went from trying my very best to be positive to the tornado, complete with kicking a box of toys to yelling at Evelyn for being awake to early and "ruining my morning" but I won't. Because there's no excuse for that kind of behavior. And the moment those words left my lips I just stopped. "oh, Allie." I didn't break down. I didn't cry. I picked her up, calmed her down, took a deep breath myself and I prayed for strength and patience.

And then, I forgave myself. And I started over.

This isn't about being perfect, or positive all the time, or being fake-happy. It's about being real, and being true to myself and to my emotions. (What a woman thing to say.) But really, I should feel what I need to feel and I should fix the things that maybe I shouldn't be feeling. Was there reason for me to lash out like I did this morning? No, not really. I overreacted to...nothing. And really, that is why I am doing a new project positive. I need to find my center again and to feel balanced and in control of these feelings, at least 80% of the time ;-)

Updates to come.

To doer

I'm a "to-do-lister" which is a great thing on most days. But sometimes the little things get overlooked. The rocking. The singing. The silly faces. The patience and time it takes to rock a baby to sleep and simply sit there cuddling her while she dreams. I do these almost everyday but sometimes I rush through them. I don't soak them up. I get frustrated because I'm thinking about all the to-do's I have yet to do that day. The laundry, the vacuuming, the grocery shopping and carpooling. 

So, yesterday, after having a particularly nasty day the day before full of Evelyn crying and me being...not my best, I decided to have no expectations, no to-do list, and no chores - on the necessities (carpool, dinner, etc) I lived a simple day and it delivered simple pleasures like: 

Evie's smiles 

Rocking a snuggly girl and successfully putting her down because she was that asleep because I took just a little extra time with her. (I even had time to go start a fresh bread recipe while she napped!) 

We enjoyed the sunshine when LB got home from school and went for a walk, babywearing and holding hands :) 

Soaking up the sunshine and the warmth of a snuggly, sleeping baby

Front porch swinging with my girls and by far my favorite moment of the day. 

Lily, Evie and I sat out on the porch swinging in the sunshine for over an hour. I didn't look at my phone (except to take said pictures!) and we didn't rush back inside for things that were unimportant. We sat and we talked. I had one of the best conversations with my 4 year old which including such gems as these:

"What do you want to do when you grow up, Lily?"

"I want...to take a shower by myself. And I want to drive by myself. But, you can ride beside me in the front seat, Mommy. And, Daddy and Evelyn can ride in the back. And I will take you to work everyday and pick you up from work everyday. I will drive you everywhere." (Oh.my.word.)

And this,

"Daddy is an engineer. What does mommy do?"

Straight faced answer: "You're a princess, of course!"

I know we'll have more front porch swinging conversations to come because I will make the time to put my to-do list down, stop and listen. Somethings are waaaaaay more important!

Sisters

It's impossible not to compare Baby Lily to Baby Evie. Every comparison comes with a grain of salt since LB was hormone deficient at this age. But, there's still so many things that are different about them that have nothing to do with their health. I've had to throw out my parenting ideas from the get go. My friend was right, One size does not fit all when it comes to parenting!
Where LB needed to nurse to sleep, and lots of walking and patting and singing - Evie just screams until you put her down and leave her be and she goes to sleep on her own. She's kind of sleeping training us and I can only hope it'll last! This could also be the difference between first time and second time parenting. We're more quickly to put her down and let her work things out on her own. I can't imagine letting LB CIO at 6 weeks old (sidenote, I only let her CIO as a last resort - after trying everything. She just gets so overtired that she needs quiet and a break from our frustration!)
And let me tell you how dumb I feel not realizing she was getting overtired! I guess when LB was this age we didn't do a whole lot so she just slept all the time and I didn't think anything of it. Evie is in and out of the carseat and running errands and being moved all kinds of places, no wonder she gets tired (even when she sleeps while we're out!) Poor kid was screaming at us just to put her down in one spot to nap. So while I can't stay at home and let her sleep all day with all of LB's activities and the normal craziness of a 4 year old, I try my best to give her a really good nap when I can especially in the afternoon. And as soon she starts fussing, I take care of the necessary items - food, diaper, burping - and put her down and walk out. And it's been working! (For now!)
The fussing! LB was such a soft crier. Evelyn...not so much. I would liken her to a banshee. She's my very vocal child. She goes from smiling and cooing to hysterically screaming in two seconds flat.
Even their looks are totally different. LB looked more like Dennis than me and Evie looks more like me than him. But don't expect many comparison pictures until after 4 months. It just doesn't seem fair to put them side by side when LB was so tiny and sickly looking and Evie looks so healthy. It doesn't make me sad, it just is what it is.
Now that Evie is here, and we're settling into some kind of living - It's really made me realize how grown up and independent LB can be. And how healthy and strong she is now. I do go back and look at baby pictures of LB and I am surprised, shocked, elated, and thankful for how far she has come. Having a healthy baby has just made me realize how lucky we were that Lily is as healthy and strong as she is today. It's been an eye opener on so many levels and I know I just feel really blessed these days, even with all the diapers, spit up, screaming, and sleep deprivation. It is all worth it.

Words

We went out last night.

That's right, I stayed true to one of my resolutions already, though it is most definitely an ongoing one. I said "yes" even when the thought of going out made me so bone weary tired that I just wanted to crawl back into bed. Even when the excuses were easily on my tongue (the flu is going around, LB has school tomorrow, I'm still battling this cold, I'm exhausted...etc etc.) And you know what? It was great!
I peeled off my worn pajamas, took a hot shower and put on make up and real clothes. It felt normal and real and right. It was just a super bowl party at my moms friends house (actually, the old neighborhood house - with people that had watched me and helped me grow from a toddling baby to an awkward teenager and to the woman  I am now.) It was a good first step. We successfully maneuvered the world of going out with two kids and all it entails (2 sets of extra clothes, pajamas, cloth diapers, toys, burp rags, etc etc) One parent entertaining and watching after Lily and the other holding Evelyn - or keeping a hawk eye on anyone else holding her.
And last night the main question was,

"So, how is life with two?"

This coming from veteran parents. Parents with their kids in college or beyond. And all I could do was look at them with a smile and nod and say, "you know, it's just different." I think they caught me on a good day, because most days I would've broken down crying "It's impossible! I'm so tired. I can't do this! How do you balance!?" 

Oh balance. How do you balance? How do you make the mental shift from talking to and caring for a 4 year old to cooing and nursing a newborn? How do you have the energy to do all that you used to do with your first born when you're up all night with the second? And how do you take care of this newborn when you know your four year old is begging for attention? 

I'm still figuring this out. Some days I think I can do it - I can "oh" and "ah" over all of Lily's adventures and achievements. I can get down on the floor and play barbie dream house. I can pretend and draw and paint and sing all while nursing and changing and rocking. 

These days will get easier and more often. And hopefully I won't always feel so exhausted doing it all, and I will find balance between Lily, Evelyn and myself. It's a learning curve. And I do need to take a look at my resolutions again and remember my last one, to give myself a break. Because, believe it or not  (not much of a shocker here) but I've also been dealing with guilt.

Guilt over not being back to the mommy Lily is used to. Not being back to the wife Den is used to. Not having stamina to get all the errands done. Not being patient enough or kind enough or happy enough. Not getting the kitchen cleaned and the clothes done. 

And you know what I'm starting to learn? I may never be the mom or wife or person that I was before Evelyn came. I'm not supposed to. My life is different. My life is better! I am the mother of two daughters and right now they need two different sets of skills from me and you know what? I can do both sets of skills because I am their mother. It's not always going to be easy or pretty or perfect, but they will have what they need from me. I just need to give myself time to adjust and grow into this new role. And I need to cut out the guilt ;-) 

More Pictures

Y'all! I have three posts that I've started and stopped. Partly because I don't have time or energy to finish a full post and partly because I'm so up and down these days I don't know whether to complain and wail or to praise and gush about how great life is! I'm dealing with sleep deprivation and hormonal imbalances right now that make it hard to hold on to any one emotion. One minute I'm looking at Evelyn and thanking heaven above for her and the next I'm crying over how guilty I feel with how I've acted with Lily Belle (MY transition has been so tricky. But I have vowed, as always, to be BETTER.) My patience and attitude took a major beating and though the sleep deprivation is to blame mostly, there comes a point where you just need to suck it up and get over it. 

So for now, so I don't just puke up a bunch of sleepy words that don't make a ton of sense, here's more pictures!

Evelyn cries and wants to be held almost constantly. She sleeps well in the boppy on the couch but other than that she's usually in my arms. The wrap has come in handy!

I love taking pictures of her! And she's already gotten so BIG!

SISTERS!!! You knew it was coming...

Seriously. LB has transitioned so easily that I try to take after her somedays. 

Family love!